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For some, a journey,

a series of vignettes unfolding and clashing and changing.

For some merely moments.

For many a hard won victory.

For most a mystery.

For me I have been

Profoundly grateful for what I have experienced

Profoundly disappointed at what I have missed

I remember staring into the face of my mother

Afraid to close my eyes and go to sleep

She was so beautiful, and I was afraid there would be a moment

In her gentle-voiced high-planed white-teethed splendor

That I would miss.

And I remember as a mother staring at my babies

So beautiful in their long-lashed smooth cheeked tiny handed glory

Afraid to close my eyes on that quiet moment

Afraid to let go.

Mothering is rewarding and complicated and hard.

I wish we could understand when we are going through it

and looking into the face of it

Not understanding its beauty

Afraid to let go.